'Recently found a long-lost video on YouTube. Back in the 80s
a guy took some photos of me in a rock and roll club in north London. Weeks
later I found myself making a full-page appearance in trendy mag The Face.
I led the Teds in an article on urban street styles, alongside rockers, mods, punks
and skinheads. It was all very tribal then.
Amazingly, the article led to part-time modelling work for
'Z', an agency working out of Gee Street. Specialised in models with a non-classic
street look. A few years in, Z asked me to go to a casting for a pop video.
A German singer called Inga Humpe doing a cover version of Frank Sinatra’s fine
song Something Stupid. They needed a lead who upsets his
girlfriend then flirts with Inga. I said I could manage that.
Filming, I think, took place at the Brixton Academy. A day’s
shoot, cash in hand and the chance to demonstrate my complete lack of acting
talent to the world. One of the other part-time models, a thick-set, silver-haired guy,
claimed to have been a plumber who once fixed an outside lavatory belonging to
the Krays.
To be honest, Inga’s song didn’t do particularly well when
it was released – nor did two other videos I did for Boy George and Pete Burns.
The Jack Fielding kiss of death. Looking at it now, I reckon one of the best scenes in the video is at
the end when Inge pays homage to Rita Hayworth in Gilda. Or is Marilyn? My performance at
the beginning is vaguely reminiscent of Ronald Reagan in The Killers...
So for the next ten years I popped up in various modelling
assignments. Mostly in the poorer parts of London but also Japan, Paraguay and
what was then Czechoslovakia. Zane was my booker and he tended to give me the assignments nobody else
wanted. I never really came to terms with being a fashion model. There was
always the uncomfortable feeling I was going to be arrested for fraud. Zane also kept asking me back to his place. To see his imported water lizard.
The last assignment of my unlikely career was a commercial
for German TV about the wonders of Thailand. I flew out with a plastic
dinosaur in my pocket – I’d become very superstitious by then – to work with a
snobby French model called Adrianna. Between takes she drank mineral water, ate
delicately sliced avocado salad and complained about the heat and dreadful
locals. To piss her off, I wore my retro England footie shirt, wolfed down
hamburgers, drank bottles of Amarit beer and yawned a lot.
The first day of the shoot involved
a scene sipping pretend cocktails watching the spectacular sunset. The next day
was a bummer. We were filmed in the annual Songkran parade supposedly enjoying
the Thai New Year. In fact, a group of lanky transsexuals in high heels took a
dislike to Adrianna and assaulted both of us; they broke eggs on our heads and
threw powder in our faces. Adrianna became hysterical and we had to escort back
her to the van. I lost my hat.
No one was more surprised than me.
Anyway, here’s the link to the video on YouTube (I’m
the one who looks like Ronald in a drape jacket). Actually, a nice version by Inge, I'm sure you'll agree:
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